If you have been following my blog for a while, you will already know I started a journey of facing my demons this year. I’ve not really understood what they are or how to combat them until yesterday. I met up with a client turned very good friend to do some goal mapping. I am a planner. I like to have a spreadsheet in place for everything – goal mapping sounded like an excellent idea, although I didn’t really know what it was all about.
One of the first things Debbie asked me was “how are you feeling?” A loud resounding “stressed!” was my reply – “Good,” Debbie affirmed “we will be able to drill down to the why then, as your reactions to everything around you are based on your past experiences.”
I honestly sat there and thought “yeah, I know the exact reason I feel stressed about this and so we might have to think up something else as well.” And promptly went through in my mind all the things I would like to sort out. All my issues with body dysmorphia, lack of confidence, reclusive behaviour etc have to had to have started somewhere, I would like to deal with them. I really didn’t expect to find out it’s all linked.
Debbie asked what my memories of my childhood were like. As I spoke, she wrote down keywords (I cannot remember them all and it’s not really important):
Oh my word GUILTY! Guilty I wasn’t good enough to be listened to, guilty for stuffing my face full, guilty for not being good enough at sport, guilty for not being a fun person, guilty for not being an old enough mum to fit in with the others, guilty for not being a good enough wife/mother/step-mother, guilty, guilty guilty, guilty.
My life has been summed up in one word – GUILTY!
The only time I didn’t feel guilty was when I was anorexic. I have no guilt associations with it at all – amazing!
Debbie then asked me what the opposite word is to guilty. Could I think of it? No word association was helping me to recall the opposite word for guilty. It seemed to be removed from my vocabulary. Frustratingly, Debbie wasn’t going to tell me either.
Now I think I should say, I honestly believe everything has happened in my life for a reason. Every person I’ve met, I met for a reason. I try and learn from every possible situation. However, due to the guilt and perceived rejection (rightly or wrongly), I tend to keep on giving out of guilt until I get to a point where I snap and then hold a grudge. I want to be able to walk in love, but to do that I need to learn to love or even like myself. If I don’t, all these past issues will keep on being projected into the future and I will never break free of my demons.
My goal map. My child like drawings will only really make sense to me – that’s good. It’s very personal. It’s going to be a very personal journey of letting go of the anxiety and guilt which rules my every decision. When I say every decision, I mean every decision. I was being mindful of when I felt guilty yesterday evening and it was constant. I’ve had too many mouthfuls of food. Oh the sun-dried tomatoes have 6.9% sugar instead of 5% sugar, the house hasn’t been hoovered for 3 days, the tortoise has been in his cage all day, I wasn’t home in time to meet Zeeks when he came through the door – ARGHHHHHHH! I know if I can relax and take the time to step into my role as a woman – my power, many of the issues in my life right now will be reflected into nothing.
Then Debbie asked me again. “What is the opposite word to guilty?” after a few tries, I finally remembered “INNOCENT” Goodness I was innocent at 6-7 years old when this all started. Innocent because I didn’t know any different. I honestly struggle with associating the word innocent with my life. I’ve taken on all the guilt and because of it, the people around me have dumped on more – Law of attraction!
I’m not doing this anymore. I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone or anything. I even had a cry over the thought of my 15 year old son not taking his teddy to bed anymore at the weekend. I’m not going to become selfish. That wouldn’t be me. I am simply not taking on the guilt of other people’s choices. If I am wrong, I will apologise. If I make the wrong choice, I can honestly say I will have had tried to make the right one. But I am not going to feel guilty anymore.
I am going to re-write my memories. One day I will no longer recall all the bad memories and feelings. One day I will remember the fun I had and learn to have fun again.
Guilt is one heavy load to carry. I’m leaving it right here!
(If this has helped and you would like Debbie’s contact details, please drop me an email and I will pass on her contact details)
UPDATE 8th July 2015 – This is worthy of 20 minutes of your time – The Power of Vulnerability